Each week I receive an hour of coaching and this week I couldn’t think of anything to choose as a topic. I prayed on it and only 10 minutes before the call, received a prophetic vision of what to be coached on. I had an image of myself standing on a cobblestone ledge, the stage or crowd in front of me was dark, silent, and I heard what I believe to be The Holy Spirit or Father God tell me to have Verna coach me off the ledge.
In obedience, I asked her if she would try to coach such a big topic, shared the vision and explained I felt it was about my choices in life moving forward. One was to start my own business, the second was to apply for the job of disability case manager and the third was to try to do both.
She is a wise coach, and in the beginning, asked questions to fully understand the vision of standing on a ledge. After she was sure I was not speaking about it in a dark way, she gained clarity of what the ledge represented.
I told her I felt that I had to go back into the room to get down from the ledge. I knew it was time to make a choice and move from the place of being paralyzed with fear. I felt the same fear about starting my own business as I did about speaking. The darkness below felt like the people under a stage or nothingness.
Together we walked through my image and realized that I have to walk back to get to where I want to go no matter what I choose. One would be financially and the other would be spiritual.
She walked me through an exercise that was powerful and helped me see just how accurate this vision was.
She asked me to go on a guided visualization of my three options.
First I visualized the option of starting my own business and we began on the first day. I could see myself walking through the door, full of the same joy and excitement I had on my first day of kindergarten. There were many questions going through my head, I was excited to connect with new people and felt that I could finally help other people and have a relationship with my kids.
There was an annoying voice that kept popping in and asking negative what if questions. “What if I didn’t make it? What if it didn’t work out?” Verna asked, “What if I did make it? How would it feel.”
I told her that it would feel amazing, freeing, I would be acting in obedience and living in faith. I would be able to have freedom; scheduling my family and self-care first, then filling in business time after.
With the time for self-care, I would be more present, happier and there would be more room for me to serve those I am called to work with.
She asked me how I would imagine a conversation with God taking place and I couldn’t put words to it, I was smiling from ear to ear and my shoulders were held high.
When she asked me to visualize walking out the door and giving up my smile fell off, my shoulders literally slumped and I felt sad and regret. I felt like I had missed an amazing God-given opportunity and let him and everyone that supported me down.
She took me down the path to another place, this time the last interview for the job I was considering. I felt safe, worry-free since the income was good, there were benefits and normal business hours. I also felt like I was spiritually dead. I saw myself, doing God’s work just like if I start my own business, but in handcuffs. I felt like my creativity was put in a box and felt sad that I would miss out on all of my children’s school activities.
She asked me how I imagined a conversation with God, and I heard, I had so much more for you but you chose to walk away. I found someone else to do it, don’t worry, it is taken care of, you missed the joy of the experience.
Our coaching hour was near an end and there was one more scenario to visualize. There was my idea of starting a business on the side while working the full-time job.
I already knew how I would feel as I just left a job just like this. I always felt guilty: Guilt for not being present at my job, guilt for doing my job at home, guilt for not being present when I was spending time with my kids, guilt because I didn’t have time for self-care, it was dark when I left and dark when I got home.
The guilt was bigger than the reward of one day having freedom. The choice was very obvious and I had a vision of three doors, two nailed shut.
It became crystal clear and I knew the right choice was the option to start my own business. The fear I had was a problem because I had not acknowledged it to myself or anyone for that matter. I had another visualization, an analogy, this time of a boat. It was filling up with water and I was ignoring it. I decided that if I just ignored it and kept paddling, it would go away when I got there.
What if talking about my fears with someone who was able to listen was like bailing the water out of the boat. The fear and anxiety will always be there when making big life decisions, how will I choose to respond?
In closing, back to the vision, I was given before we began, “Get her to talk you off the ledge”, I believe that taking the safe route, the job, would have been like committing spiritual suicide and before the coaching session, I wasn’t able to see it.
The beauty of good coaching is that it helps one to see in their blind spots by using of powerful questions. They help make the invisible visible.
She left me with a couple of powerful questions to work on before our next coaching session.
- How can you understand and manage the anxiety so that it energizes — instead of paralyzing you?
- What beneficial role is the anxiety also trying to play?